A Guide to Ashland' Outtakes
by Miacakes
Summary: This will be a collection of outtakes from my main story 'A Guide to Ashland'. First installment - Carlisle gives a twelve year old Edward 'the talk'.


**A/N:** Ok, here is the first _A Guide to Ashland_ outtake. I will probably end up doing a few of these, as the story progresses. Whereas my main story is pretty much told from Edward's point of view, all outtakes will be focused on other characters.

Hopeyoulike!

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**The Talk**

Spring 2002

The road outside was empty save for two six year olds riding their bikes up and down the street, singing the _Spongebob_ theme song.

Carlisle would miss the neighbourhood. At the end of the school year Carlisle was going to take up a position on the surgical ward in Forks. Tanya, much to her dismay would have to watch her beloved brother and nephew move 1,500 miles away.

The weather was surprisingly mild for April in Alaska. The sun shone weekly onto the neat front yards lining the street. It wasn't the feebleness of the waning year. The sun was gathering strength for the coming summer, but the soft breeze brought a chill to the afternoon.

Inside Tanya's living room, however, the air was stifling. Or maybe Carlisle was just imagining it to be so. He loosened his tie a little as he pretended to casually stroll towards his son.

"So, Edward."

Edward put down the book he was reading. Carlisle glanced at the cover. Garth Nix. _Ever the dreamer_, Carlisle thought.

"Hello, father." Even as a twelve-year old Edward was derisive, but then he'd learnt from the best – his dad.

Carlisle sat down on the coffee table. If Tanya caught him, there'd be hell to pay for that. He smoothed his grey, pleated trousers over his legs, partly to stall and partly to alleviate the mild case of clammy hands he was experiencing. Edward was bright. Too bright to make the impending conversation easy for his father. Carlisle had a feeling Edward would give him hell. But he had put this discussion off for long enough.

_Suck it up Cullen_, Carlisle thought.

He cleared his throat.

"So, I think it's time for us to have a talk. Man to man."

Edward looked at him with wide eyes. If Carlisle hadn't known better he would have thought him to be taken aback. But the smirk playing around Edward's lips gave him away. "Dad, if you're going to talk to me about human reproduction – it's fine. Felix at school already filled me in."

"Felix at school is twelve Edward. Don't you want to learn about this from someone who has first hand experience?"

"Felix has an older brother." Edward replied.

"And I raise you a medical degree."

"Fine, go ahead. But I warn you – don't even try to give me a _spiel_ about the female menstrual cycle, because if you do I'm telling Aunt Tanya that you've been using the Chippendale chair in your bedroom as a bedside table."

"Ok."

"And try not to make it overly graphic. This isn't the time to let it all hang out."

Carlisle was confused. "Hang what out?"

"All your doctor-ness."

"I don't let my doctor-ness hang out." Carlisle defended himself.

"Last week you told Alistair that he was running the risk of a subluxation of his shoulder."

"Well he was! You should have seen the things he was doing with that hacky sack!"

"He's eight, dad!"

The doctor in Carlisle recoiled when he admitted defeat. The father in him rejoiced – this way he would be able to spare Edward the conversation Carlisle had had with his own father. He hadn't been able to use the word _intercourse_ until he was well into medical school. "Fine, I won't make it overly graphic. But that means that it will be less accurate."

"Don't parents usually use the 'Birds and Bees' thing? Why can't we just do one thing the normal way?"

"You want me to talk about birds and bees? I'm not an ornithologist."

"Well then just make something up."

"You want me to make up an analogy to explain a process of which you already know the technical aspects and for which you probably have an entire arsenal of slang

words?"

Edward nodded and put the tips of his fingers together. "Dance, puppet, dance."

"Fine, so there's this guy called…Bill. Bill's a cool…dude. Don't shake your head at me Edward! I'm still young; I'm down with the kids. Ok, so Bill is…gnarly. Stop looking at me like that! I'm from California. I'm allowed to be a tool. It's like a rule or something."

Edward continued to stare pointedly at his father.

"Ok, no more Valspeak. Bill has a way with girls. They love him. Maybe it's the wild hair, maybe it's the guitar. I don't know – if you ask me, Bill sounds like an idiot. But the ladies love him. And Bill…well…he loves the ladies. In fact, he regularly takes one back to his camper van. Bill believes in free love."

"It's not the sixties anymore, dad."

"What are you talking about?"

"Camper vans? This isn't an analogy; it's a T-rated version of _Almost Famous. _And everyone knows that these days 'free love' is basically a metaphor for HIV."

"Aha! That's exactly what was getting at. Promiscuity and unprotected physical love lead to unwanted freebies. Like pustules on your little man and a kid called Hobie."

"Dad, I'm twelve. I haven't even had the chance to get to first base yet, let alone try my hand at promiscuity."

"Well, you've always been very precocious."

"There's a difference between precocity and pre-teen man whore."

"Don't let your Aunt hear you talk like that." Carlisle chided.

"It wouldn't shock her. I've seen the 'novels' she reads."

"Novels?" Carlisle asked apprehensively. He knew exactly what type of books Tanya was fond of reading. Over the course of their teenage years, and the time he and Edward had spent living with her, he had stumbled upon several of them.

"Yeah.", Edward smirked. "What exactly does it mean when it says that _Captain Whitby ploughed his swollen m-_"

"Okay! That concludes today's edition of 'Man Talk'." Carlisle jumped into a standing position and hurriedly left the living room. He quickly walked into the kitchen, sat down at the table and rested his forehead on the wooden surface.

"Son of a gun."

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**A/N:** Ok, that's it. As we all know, Edward is a very intelligent boy. And he, like most people, enjoys watching his parent(s) squirm.


End file.
